A (surprise!) ceremony of releasing

I wrote the following in a private group chat two weeks ago and it feels right to share it here, now:

Yesterday was amazing and I’m still in awe of the reduction I experienced. I want to document it.

[I had some important papers to find but it doesn’t really matter why. The papers] were safely stored in the fireproof box. Along with a 3 to 6 inch stack of envelopes containing my receipts from the 90s. This is not a metaphor or proxy, I am talking about literal, paper receipts. {But OH MY MAUD is this an amazing metaphor for me!}

These receipts were for books, CDs, clothes, household goods, art & donations. The kinds of things I bought for myself in early adulthood (from college & grad school). And they were sturdy! We apparently used real paper and permanent ink to make receipts in the day. We would clearly read some of these receipts from 1992! I’m in awe.

So 14 yo [offspring] watched as I carefully went through the pile, to make sure no important papers had inadvertently gotten into these stacks of receipts. Of course I reminisced. Told him about college and grad school. And I remembered that basically the first things I bought when I had money of my own to spend beyond rent and food was books and music. And then when I started getting some real money: art. And as I type this I know this is a core part of me, at least in this life {wink}.

14 yo thought this trip down memory lane was pretty amazing and he could not (a) imagine saving receipts and (b) that receipts were once made of such permanent stuff. As I gathered it all up to put in the recycling bin, sweet 14 yo checked in with me, “Are you sure you want to do this? You could reminisce again when you’re 90.” {note to self, ask 14 you just how old he thinks I am…} And I said, “Son, do *you* want to carry these receipts around with you someday? Take them to college with you, maybe?” Laughing, “No.” So off they went. {Reading through this to proofread I am realizing “Laughing No” is a GREAT BIG CLUE}

Walking back inside from the recycling bin, I finally remembered why I had saved these receipts, in the fire safe box of all places. I had saved them so if I ever had a fire or a break in, I could prove to my insurance how much all my preciouses were worth and how expensive they were to replace. (I know! Right?!) I remember getting the fire proof box when 16 yo [offspring] was born, to safely store all the identification papers. And I threw those receipts in there. For safe keeping. Like, literally.

I’ve looked at those receipts every time we’ve needed to get those ID papers or add to them. When 14 yo was born, when we registered them for school, when we bought a house. And each time, I thought, “I need to get rid of these receipts. These aren’t needed. But maybe they’ll distract anyone who wants to steal our identities?” {{Y’all? For real? My monsters are downright odd sometimes.}}

And yesterday. Yesterday. I was able to actually release those mementos of joy (buying my own books!) and fear (someone could steal my books!). Holy Maud I am amazed at the power and grace of this Now Me. It was easy to gently reminisce and let go. My nervous system/monsters softly whined a little, like old dogs dreaming, but they were easily soothed.

{Deep loving sigh for Now Me and Incoming Me. You gals are so awesome I love you.}

My op for today is to revel in this Now Me who can easily release the past and kiss old fears in the most loving and healing way. Astounding. I am astounded.

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Clearing Entanglements

Some background:

For many years I have been working on my entanglements with certain other people, the way that I take on other people’s problems as my own problems, and how my own emotional state can get wound up in the emotional state of others. I also have this tendency to constantly measure myself against other people’s accomplishments, or at least what I envision as their accomplishments. For many years, nay decades, I have measured myself against my image of other people and always found myself coming up short.

But, in constantly measuring myself against others, or allowing myself to get entangled in their work, I neglected my own work both spiritually and materially.

One night I was in my meditation nook, really pondering these questions and the following process / prayer came into my mind pretty much whole cloth. And after said this prayer for one particular individual, I realized how helpful it would be if I repeated the prayer for all of the people within my lineage.

There are certain issues in my family that have been repeated across generations (I believe this is true for most families), and I have found this particular prayer very useful for me in releasing the traumas of the past so that I might fully live in my own present.

So with that, here is the prayer / process. I hope it may be of use to you as well.

Call the person who’s entwinement with your path you would like to clear into your mind’s eye. Think about what they look like, what they sound like, how you feel in their presence. Call them into your mind as strongly as you can, taking care for your own heart’s safety.

When you are ready, proceed with this prayer:

This is {name individual}. {Name} has their own path to walk.

{Name’s} path is not my path; my path is not {Name’s} path.

{Name’s} process is not a reflection on my process; my process is not a reflection upon {Name’s} process.

{Name’s} Journey belongs to them. Blessings upon them.

(Let yourself feel a blessing, a kindness on this person, at whatever level that you are capable of at this time).

If you are praying for generational healing, state this at the end of each round, to send the energy of release throughout the generations:

What I say for one, I say for all.

Little Prayers

Many months ago I was driving to Orem to visit a friend. Traffic was significantly slowed down due to an accident with two semis. I was not in a huge hurry and was listening to favorite podcasts, so I was not worried or inconvenienced by the accident. But I knew many people were in a hurry, were likely upset and frustrated by the delay, and wanting to find any opening to allow them to escape the slow down.

I remembered a practice I started while driving back to Salt Lake from Taos. I rarely drive more than a couple miles, so I don’t practice it much. But, I felt inspired to sing a Prayer for Emergency Roadside Asistance. There isn’t a set rhythm or tune. The words are sung plainsong or chanting style:

May everyone give you the space you need to do your restorative work.

Peace and patience to all drivers despite the delay.

Thank you for putting yourselves at risk to clean up our accidents and get us to safety.

Thank you for removing obstacles in our path and keeping our passageways clear.

We are heading into the time of year when there are many workers out in the road, fixing potholes, widening lanes and so forth. This is a prayersong for them:

May all those who drive past you slow down and show respect for your work.

May you be clear headed and do your work correctly, so all who use your work are benefited and held in safety.

Revisiting an old post

Facebook reminded me of this post from my old blog. Re-reading I got that feeling to reshare, so I’m choosing to act on that impulse. I do want to say that although I quote his work here, I do not support Orson Scott Card or his political ideas/practices. 

Btw: I received another birthday reading from Margaret Ruth this year and one in August from The Sky Priestess, Bairavee Balasubramaniam, PhD. Still thinking on those readings…

​Sunday, October 4, 2009

Blending 

So, one of the coolest findings in my palm reading with MR was this star kinda halfway between the outside of my palm and my life line. MR pointed it out on my left hand but I can see one on my right hand, too. MR called it a “blending” star, because it was situated between spirit and body and she suggested it may be part of my life’s work since stars symbolize a point of intense energy and light. I’ve been thinking about that idea quite a bit since the reading. Here are some of my thoughts:

Perhaps one manifestation of the blending star is my simultaneous fascination with the physical aspects of mind/body (like the actual physical workings of the brain and those pesky molecules of emotion) and with the transcendent/spiritual knowing that seems to come from both outside and within you at the same time. I love to learn how emotions have a physical root and also think emotions are clues to a wider reality (like intuition, precognition, etc). It’s taken me a long time to realize that emotions are embodied – not just charged thoughts. Actually feeling emotion in my body has been a revelation to me.

Perhaps the star is an indication of how my intuitive knowing often manifests as a physical knowing. For example, I often feel pulled to a particular place, like there’s a compass in my body pointing in a particular direction. If I am giving someone a massage, my hands feel pulled toward tender spots. I have often felt a pull to go down a particular aisle at the store, where I have found something I needed but had not put on the list (this happened just tonight actually). I have felt a pull to go down a particular road, then months later realized my familiarity with that particular road was crucial. My eyes are drawn to correct answers on tests and my hands feel a pull toward the right answer. My hands feel the tarot card I want to look at in readings. My innate sense of direction is very tied to this physical manifestation of intuition.

I’m not sure if anything is non-physical, that is, outside the realm of molecules and atoms. I believe that there is a knower, a choser, that is me, that is an actual thing and that thing has been me since there was anything. I am profoundly influenced by the LDS idea that each of us is, at base, an “intelligence,” something that has always existed and will always exist. Orson Scott Card named the “intelligence” an “aiua” in the later Ender books. When I read this little bit from Xenocide, it connected to me in a deep way:

I think that we are free, and I don’t think it’s just an illusion that we believe in because it has survival value. And I think we’re free because we aren’t just this body, acting out a genetic script. And we aren’t some soul that God created out of nothing. We’re free because we always existed. Right back from the beginning of time, only there was no beginning of time so we existed all along. Nothing ever caused us. Nothing ever made us. We simply are, and we always were. p. 386, 1991 paperback.

Yet, even if we have always existed, our aiuas/intelligences/spirits are powerfully influenced by our bodily experience. How we know things fundamentally changes depending on the particular chemical/hormonal balance in our bodies in any given moment as well as how our childhood experiences shaped the unique neural nets of our brains. Our experiences and worlds shift in meaning and experience with each subtle body change – for example, my skin color, gender, and size have all profoundly shaped my understanding of the world around me. And at a simpler, most basic level, I know that, for myself, my choices are profoundly influenced by things as simple as hunger, thirst, tiredness. I think better, act better, make better/kinder/more loving choices when I am well fed, well rested. I’m a nicer person when my body feels good. 

So, I believe on a deep level that “I” am something different than the body “I” live in. Yet my body is also me and I feel on the same deep level that this is the body “I” chose. Blended and blending.

Practice

I’ve been listening to the podcast Why Shamanism Now off and on for several months now, at the suggestion of my friend Crysanthemum. The host has a phrase that has really stuck with me: “What you do every day is your practice.”

I’ve been considering what I do every day: drink coffee with honey, cream and coconut oil. Read. Visit with my stones. Say “Hello/Good Morning” “Good Night” and “I love you” to my spouse and two children. Pet my pup. Give them all kisses. Practices of peace, calm & love. Not too bad. 

I’ve also tried to cultivate some additional practices in the past few weeks, focused on holding attention and gathering strength. Sitting on the porch with my coffee and reading material each morning, with the hope of connecting to Spirit before engaging with “the world.” Writing. Praying, or connecting, with my Guides/Spiritual allies. And taking pictures of the moon:

Mars,Saturn&The Moon, 9/7/16

Moon & wire bound electricity 9/6/16

Moon over the neighbor’s house, 8/30/16

Moon through trees, 8/26/16

Early Morning Moon, Butterfly Lake, 8/21/16

I haven’t been able to take a photo of the moon every day – somedays she is just not visible due to mountains, or my inability to wake up early or stay up late. Or she is New and not capturable by my phone camera. On those days – and sometimes moon days as well – I take photos of our garden:

Pollen

Lime Mint in Bloom

I’ve found this new practice has in fact helped me bring my attention more fully to the present. And has gotten me out of doors more, at hours I don’t normally go out of doors.

I think I’ll keep going with this photo practice.

So I Don’t Forget…

In June I went to a retreat with my dear friend and counselor Lynda Steele. Lynda’s Riverhouse is located in northwestern Michigan, near Traverse City. On one rainy afternoon we went to the home/workshop of Gwen Frostic. There I found a basket of notepads with a sign saying “These little pads are delightful for Thoughts so Easily Forgotten.” I felt an immediate ping and resonance because I forget many of my thoughts very easily. So I followed my heart and bought the little pad of notepaper (along with several other goodies!).

Initially, I used the notepad for what amount as a to-do list, but then I used it to right down a key idea from the retreat I wanted to hang on to and I had an “ah ha!” ~ I prefer dedicating the notepad to more timeless instructions to myself than “remember you wanted to check out this website/call this person/write that post.”

Now my practice is to write down thoughts that help me center and stay connected to my root self. I glean those thoughts from all over ~ from books and blogs I read to conversations with friends in various spiritual and therapeutic circles. The past two months I’ve been carrying all the thoughts with me in my purse or backpack. I’ve got quite a stack now ~ and I’m thinking sorting out what I most what to remember and carry with me each day is another potentially useful practice to explore.

I thought some of these thoughts might be resonate with others as well, so I’m sharing a few in the picture below.

Top Row:
What if I didn’t minimize the work I do?
Maybe yes-es are beacons of No. Havi 6/23/16
There is always resistance when soul leans into something ~ Go against ego’s desire to remain unchanged and do it anyway.

Bottom Row:
Hold it Lightly.
Sometimes when I try to be gentle, I end up being passive instead.
Remember: solar plexus and throat support the heart [chakra]

Another image…

As I collect more of this thoughts I’ll continue to share ~ weekly? monthly? as Spirit moves.

A Prayer for Focus

I joined The Dark Goddess Lodge awhile back, when I bought a deck of the Dark Goddess Tarot by Ellen Lorenzi-Prince. Lodge members receive a tarot spread each new moon, based on the theme card for the month. I use the spreads as a personal meditation for the month. The June spread was for the 3 of Air, Blue Dakini. The spread is about severing ties to that which no longer serves ~ cutting cords. I have been reading Mary Shutan’s book The Complete Cord Cutting Course: Working with Cords through Energy Work and Shamanic Healing, so this spread very much connect to me. I created this prayer out of some of the cards I pulled for myself. I am sharing this prayer here, in the hopes that it might be useful for someone else, or may inspire you to compose your own prayer, for your own needs.

I am hoping ~ working ~ today for focus.
To say “no thank you” to distractions and “other goods.”

How can I walk through this situation in a way I can be proud of?

Source of Life, Friends, Keepers of the Seeds~

Help me walk with purpose.

And if I don’t know my purpose
Help me stay silent, still
Until I realize my purpose and know which direction to turn my feet.

Hekate ~ Light my way, oh Torchbearer.

Cailleach ~ Turn my gaze away from distractions, oh Giant One.

Qadesh ~ Blend my worlds, oh Lover.